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Livia's Daily Poems!

2007-02-27T10:44:00.001-08:00

Howdy, Computer Pals!

I am now writing a DAILY POEM because I like poetry and stuff as I'm sure you will find out, I'm really fucking awesome at it. So check it out every day... it will warm your heart and make you a more interesting person, probably.

You're welcome in advance

Yours in Christ,
Me Livia

POEM #1!!!!
In response to an email exchange about dinner plans with my cousin Mike -A.K.A. "Owen"- and his question, "What are your feelings about Mexican?"

My Feelings About Mexican
by Livia

My feelings about Mexican
Are as pointy as a pentigan
If one can say points are a good thing
From enchiladas to pinatas
From cheap toys to busboys,
The Mexican, just like the Pentigan
Makes our freedom ring
And by "our" I mean white people, you know not really Mexicans, cuz apparently we're better or something and God like us more and stuff
okaybye

_____________________________________________________

POEM #2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHOCO-TASTICK
A Haiku By Me Livia

Eating chocolate is a good idea
Even if you are allergic to chocolate
But especially if you are a girl
On her period
okaybye

POEM #3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUPID PEOPLE DAY

On Stupid People Day
King Giant Super Stupid puts on a little play
Casting all his brain-dead stupid friends as
Miss Moffet with Curds and Whey.
He makes us clapclapclap and pay attention
And ignores our frequent mention
That we'd rather eat a rat sandwich intervention
Than sit through another Stupid People Day.
It helps to think of Mr. Rogers and of the Artful Dodger
Ivar Novello in "The Lodger," and Terri Garr saying "roll in the hay,"
And just remember that while it sucks
There are few things that suck as much
As having to be King Giant Super Stupid
Every single day.

that's not really funny.
sorry okay how bout this
FART
God, you're stupid!
okaybye

FUN in L.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures of us in L.A. before and after our Comedy Central Stage show. Enjoy!
xoxMEATxox

BIG MEAT NEWS

2006-08-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Hello Friends, Family and Fans, The Ladies of MEAT are pleased to announce that we have some wonderful news to share with you.

1. SEMI-FINALISTS IN A BIG CONTEST - VOTE FOR MEAT
2. A RUN AT UCB ON FRIDAY NIGHTS
3. NEW MOVIE!

We also really need your help big time!!!!!!!("Oh, super! I love helping! It makes me feel magical and warm, knowing that in my own little way, I'm making the world a better place.")

You are my hero! See below for more info!

Thanks to all for your continued support. Every little bit really does matter. We sincerely hope that you enjoy what we do and that MEAT is a positive force out there (at least for women in comedy).

Loving You,MEAT

1. THIS THURSDAY, AUGUST 24th, vote for MEAT in the New York TV Festival ~ Sponsored by IFC & MSN.
Your vote will help us make history by becoming the first all female sketch group on US television and get that much closer to filming our pilot. Yeah dreams! We've already been selected to the top 50 (from thousands of applicants), now we need your help to make it to the final round!!! "The finalists emerging from this online competition will be invited to pitch their idea in front of a celebrity panel of executives live at the 2006 Festival. The winner of this final event will receive a deal from a network partner of the NYTVF to create an original pilot program from the winning pitch."If you'd like to see our pitch in advance, (apparently we look "hot") here are the steps:

Video.msn.com
Click on the "Entertainment" tab.
Under "Specials", click on NYTVF
We are page 3.

Thursday is the ONLY day you can vote for MEAT. Voting runs 12 a.m. - 12 a.m. PST (3 a.m. - 3 a.m. EST) Each pitch is only eligible for voting one day (Thursday Aug 24th, MEAT)

When the time comes, click here and vote! http://tv.msn.com/nytvf/contest

And if you can forward this to your friends and ask them to vote for us, it would be an enormous help.

2. A RUN AT UCB ON FRIDAY NIGHTS
Please come out and see us! Bring your friends! Then let's all hang out after and party! Some of us are single and all of us are easy... to get along with! There will be lots of industry and press at this highly coveted spot, and we need your love.

MEAT at UCBFridays @ 8PM: Sept 1st, 8th, 15th & 22nd
Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre: 307 W. 26th St. (& 8th Ave)
Only $8

THANK YOU!

3. WE HAVE ANOTHER NEW MOVIE!
It's called "The Original IQ Tester" and we think you'll enjoy it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20xZ58RzzZw

Thanks again everybody, and have a great day!MEAT

Check this out

2006-06-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

MEAT fans...you will like this.

http://www.chiokenassor.com/jeangrae.html

Call It Democracy

2006-05-24T13:47:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 5th at 6PM, will be the New York Festival Premier of CALL IT DEMOCRACY as part of the Brooklyn International Film Festival at the Brooklyn Museum. For information and directions:
http://wbff.org/films/detail.asp?fid=635

200 Eastern Parkway - 11238 Brooklyn, NY - 2/3 Train to Brooklyn Museum
http://www.brooklynmuseum.org

Buy tickets here: http://www.acteva.com/booking.cfm?bevaID=111716#10

CALL IT DEMOCRACY has been orchestrally scored and fully updated. PLEASE post this notice to your lists, your friends, everyone old enough to register to vote in next five years, and anyone in the press, large or small. CALL IT DEMOCRACY is a dialog trigger to election reform. It's the perfect film to educate yourself and watch with with friends with whom you politically disagree. Your kind words, thoughts and conversation are our publicity.

The screening will start at 6pm after two short films. 6:20 Probable Start Time.

VARIETY
" With an impressive array of expert testimony, "Call It Democracy" thoughtfully probes events surrounding the U.S. presidential election of 2000. Far from being another attack on the election's much-disputed results, it's an illuminating and engrossing non-partisan look at the longstanding need to address issues including voters' rights and election reform. It could easily find a home on PBS, CNN, the History Channel or a major network.

Blending man-on-the-street comments with reflections from legal and
political experts and journalists from all sides of the spectrum, "Call
It Democracy" doesn't repeat Michael Moore's indignant "How could it
happen?" battle cry. Instead, helmer Matt Kohn operates from the
premise that with an Electoral College system, of course it could
happen. Commentators including Alan Dershowitz, Vincent Bugliosi and
former Senator Birch Bayh (D-IN) examine important historical events,
including the 1960 Kennedy vs. Nixon campaign, George Wallace's
attempted manipulation of the Electoral College in 1968, and prior
elections when the popular vote did not prevail. Kohn supplements the
piece with fresh footage from the November 2004 election and raises
compelling questions about the perils of electronic voting."-By LAEL
LOEWENSTEIN

The New York Times
“The result is not only a very personal rehashing of the events… from a
multitude of opinions (scholars, scientists, politicians, and everyday
citizens), but a poignant reminder that election reform may be needed
to preserve voting rights in an era of butterfly ballots and
computerized voting machines” – Tracie Cooper

Ain’t It Cool News by Albert Lanier
“A soup to nuts approach to its subject. Whereas other docs might skimp here or skimp there on facts, Kohn provides an extremely watchable, highly relevant doc… finds its strength in research, effective interview scenes and intelligent argumentation of its positions… There are interesting facts and arguments abounding… highly stimulating intellectually due to its clear ability to articulate the inherent problems and dilemmas facing the voting process this year and perhaps in years to come…. although the major parties, political advocacy groups and every other kind of political organization under the sun says that every vote counts, it is very clear that they do not count every vote.”

Burger King

2006-05-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Burger King.

In reference to your new "Manthem" commercial...Go fuck yourself.

I will not be eating your burgers.

Why not take a song like "We Shall Overcome" and change it to "We Shall Over Indulge" and instead of marching to DC to make a stand for Civil Rights...ummmm..how about you are all marching to Burger King to get a burger?

Oh...that would be offensive? But mocking the women's movement is fine? Cause you know, the women's movement for rights was nothing to take seriously, right?

Go fuck yourselves.

xoxo, Biz

MEAT Got a TV Deal!

2006-03-18T19:28:00.000-08:00

Guess what, MEAT took a meeting with NBC last week and landed their first big deal!

The show is called:

BIG FAT STUPID DOUCHE BAG AND SKINNY WIFE!

It's about a big fat stupid douche bag who is hilarious and stupid. He has an unremarkable job and lives an unremarkable life, in a house across the street from his parents.

And his skinny wife.

Followed by JOEY.

And the sneak peek of Tuesday night's season premiere episode of BIG FAT STUPID DOUCHE BAG AND PRETTY WIFE.

Go fuck yourselves.

MEAT

Lobsters can't fly!

2006-03-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Wow! Furlobster

2006-03-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

So check out the CRAZY new sea creature they found!

Wow! It looks sort of like a tick with long hairy legs.

Like a furlobster.

My excitement for this new creature is only overshadowed by my jaded mind and the knowledge that within the year, "furlobster" will become just another name for a woman's vagina.

Soon, up and down the beaches where this amazing and beautiful creature lives just below the waves, washed up pot heads will sell shirts that say "Let me discover your furlobster" or "Furlobsters are better when they are wet" to drunken frat boys who aren't quite sure what the shirts mean but think the idea of "fur" is hilarious.

Now check this out!

Feels like Spring

2006-02-17T12:48:00.000-08:00

The sun is deceptive. I am at my desk at work and the sun is out and it has a vibe of spring because it is still light outside (which it should be at 3:45) but I feel like it is 5:00 already so it SEEMS like spring.

Its is actually 37 degrees. Sigh

On another note....we are t-minus 1 hour and 10 minutes till Friday Beer.

Who wants to see a hilarious picture of my cat Louise.

Things I am doing at work other than work

2006-02-13T13:04:00.000-08:00

1. Writing on this blog.
2. IMing with Stefan
3. Playing1.5 hours of Jeopardy and stopped once the questions repeated...only after kicking ass in Jeopardy because of questions repeating.
4. Playing Family Fued.
5. Getting furious that Family Fued answers are LAME AND STUPID AND CLEARLY GIVEN BY MORONS!
6. Picking at Special K Fruit and Yogurt cereal, defeating it dieting benefits when eaten slowly over the course of 8 hours.
7. Played Wheel of Fortune, but stopped as it was beneath me.
8. Booked Hertz Rental car for boss and felt good about myself and what a great job I am doing.
9. Read Elephant Larry's blog pretended I was Geoff.
10. Drank 4 bottles of water in attaempt to "purify" myself.

Biz

Who doesn't love Powerpoint?

2006-02-10T06:39:00.000-08:00

More....thats what is happening here...more.

You know its not easy being the only person who writes posts for TWO blogs that are supposed to be shared blogs, aka, "Lets all write in these blogs together!"

thhhpt.

This one here is entitled: "You Wish"

Ha ha ha ha ha! sigh

This is me if I were a d-bag magician "slash" comic from Alabama who steals peoples blogs. (I can't seem to let this go. see www.kukoda.com under the Thievery posting for more details.)

Finally here is a dream come true: MegaForce staring Stefan and Biz

More Powerpoint

2006-02-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

Wow....these really suck.

Enjoy.

Ok, here is one entiteld: Baz killed the music.

I think the title is obvious.

OK...this is what it would look like if Baz was a giant peanut fighting himself as a giant hotdog. Terrifying! Could this be the future?

This is what Reggei would look like as a hot dog who wants to hug. She doesn't look very happy to be a hot dog. But she is so delicious looking and I love hot dogs. ohhhhhh!

Here i am looking thin and pissed off as a secretary. Nothing funny about this as I am a secretary and usually that pissed off.

What if Baz and Stefan had a baby! HILARIOUS! They are so in love.

Good bye!

Biz

Biz Presents a Powerpoint Tribute To Baz

2006-02-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

Love is in the air and the MEAT love is flowing heavy towards our beloved Baz from The Animal Club.

This kind man edited our footage from Chicago together and even put it up on our website for us....BRINGING MEAT INTO THE 21ST CENTURY!

We couldn't think of a better escort.

So you can now bask in Baz's editing work and three of your favorite MEAT sketches on our VIDEO page!

You can also check out Baz and the other animals on www.theanimalclub.com.

And now for my latest and most awful powerpoint presentations, this time in a tribute to BAZ!

First out we have the BAZintine:

Wow! That bee is crazy looking and lookit..that monkey is reading.

Ok next we have the more traditional slide..I call it "peeping baz cat."

It is funny cause there is a cat.

Black Bike Week

2006-02-06T12:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, I found this event...I look for events for me and Stefan to do that are a bit out there....this one is probably out of our league....obviously because we don't have bikes.

Well, maybe we'll go.

Anyway, the website is incredible. I am not being ironic...this is incredibly cool!

On the home page there is this one posting...well...here it is.

This is totally the kind of show MEAT would get booked at and LOVE. :)

Oh...yes, there are two 10's. I think somebody added on to Big Nasty's list on the message board.

UPDATED SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 10, 2006HOW TO PREPARE FOR BLACK BIKE WEEK - HERE ARE 10 TIPS YOU MIGHT WANT TO FOLLOW

Date: May 24-29, 2006
Place: Myrtle Beach, SC
Here is a funny post ..that came from a discussion board member nicknamed "Big Nasty"

In preparation of bike week this year, my personal trainer has given me a strict regiment for the next 10 days.

I am going to share this information so that others may also benefit from being mentally, physically and spiritually ready for Memorial Day Weekend.

May 15 - May 20:
1) Drink 1.5 - 2 gallons of water a day. Flush the kidneys preparing for upcoming toxens
2) Eliminate all white carbs (potatoes, pasta, white bread)
3) Replace white carbs with protien (chicken, fish, turkey, protien bars & shakes) Carb Depletion will help you rest up
4) Get 12 consectutive hours of sleep per day Don't plan on sleeping in the hotel
5) Obstain from all se**ual activities (including mas***bation)Fellas you don't want to come back with the BDR (Bad D*ck Report)

May 21- May 22:
6) Wash all clothes
7) Wash your bike
8) Clean your house
9) Spark an argumentwith you significant other if applicable - You are more likely to have more fun if you've recently argued with you mate

May 23 - Men:
10) Go to the bank and withdrawn $2000-$4500 for the ladies - 65% in large denominations & the rest in small denominationsMay 23 - Ladies:
10) Throw away any underwear that cannot be classified as "Thong or T-Back or V-String" If any that you were planning to bring would have been classified as "bloomers" please stay at home. Sorry?

May 24- ALL if applicable:
11) Make up with your significant other- You don't want to have to worry about what they are at home doing.

May 24:
Get the hell out of town!

Pack LOTION.Ocean water is salty. You will not get any love if you are ashy and glowing in the dark.

For all the bruthas packing dem blue diamonds, remember to avoid all greasy food at least 3 days prior to using them.Greasy food will limit "the blue pills" ability to give you those prolonged "MAN-ness" that your looking for. So nothing fried. Fast food options - your best bet is Chick-fil-a. This also holds true for dem "brown diamonds" and the "weekenders". Ya'll can thank me later.

Here is the link. Enjoy! If anyone has ever been to this please share!

xoxo, Biz

Livia on the front page of the NY Times!

2006-02-02T12:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, its the front page of the Sunday Style section of the NY times....and its totally sweet!

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/29/fashion/sundaystyles/29Comedy.html?_r=1&oref=slogin

This is the web version, which is pretty sweet that they used her pic both on the web and in the paper.

How rad! We are super proud of Livia.

YAY!

Amanda's Unicorn Sweatshirt

2006-02-02T12:37:00.000-08:00

So we recently lost one of our favorite props..."Amanda's Unicorn Sweatshirt" from the sketch "Amanda's Unicorn." We realized this right before we headed out to San Fran.

With limited time, I created a few "origanl" unicorn designs for a homemade iron-on solution. Luckily, Urban Outfitters is also in San Fran, and they ar enever without something as hipster as a unicorn shirt.

And so, here are my Unicorn Sweatshirt designs that will never don the face of a t-shirt.

xoxo, Biz

Now here we have the basic design with no writing. Just a majestic clip art unicorn ala 007 style inside rainbow circles.

I am available for graphic design projects. Give me a call.

Next we have Unicorn Under Rainbow. Circles was about as good as I could do, so I asked my man Stefan, who actually IS a graphic designer to make me a rainbow. Pretty sweet rainbow, don't you think? Same crappy, clip art unicorn. I then added "I'M Special" from the sketch..."What does your sweatshirt say? I'm Special." I thought this would add to the sketch.

God, I am incredible with detail.

Finally we have this one, which i stole from some where on the internet...though I did add the "I'm Special" part.

I love this picture.

Thats all I got now MEATBALLS.

I'll be back...just you wait.

xoxo, Biz

So Long San Fran!

2006-01-31T07:15:00.000-08:00

What a great time. The MEAT ladies had a blast at the San Francisco Sketchfest this past weekend. We have been traveling quite a bit lately and I will admit, it was a bit disorienting at first, and the time zone action didn't help, but we were ready to rock by showtime.

Of course, the best thing to do in San Francisco in our opinion, is to check out Kasper Hauser, one of our favorite sketch groups in the country. We had the honor of sharing the same bill with them, along with Olde English (who I was happy to finally see live). I could go on and on about how smart and sharp we think Kasper Hauser's writing is, and throw in the fact that they are brilliant actors who commit to detail...dear lord, it makes us as happy as seeing the Golden Gate bridge.

Speaking of, John, from Kasper Hauser, was a real hero in spending his Sunday taking us around SF. We had the ultimate burrito in the Mission district and then we hung out in Kasper Hauser's office. If that weren't exciting enough (and it really was actually) he took us out to the Golden Gate bridge. It was incredibly awesome, and we drove up this hill/mountain, some sort of large land mass, that allowed us to overlook the bay and the bridge. It was really very cool.

Too bad, I am a loser, who doesn't have a camera. Reggei had her disposable camera, so maybe I will see those pictures next month.

I am also super drained and tired so this is probably the least descriptive retelling of our trip, and maybe one of the other MEAT ladies will chime in and add some details.

We got to see several of the other groups who performed this weekend. I loved Fempyre, the feminist rock/folk duo. It was great to really hang out with Olde English (thanks for having our backs had we gotten in the fight with those birthday party attendees)...their film/sketch about the astronauts getting off the moon was GREAT! Boomtime...what can I say, I adore absurd and they were absurd. Plus they were totally awesome guys who I had a blast hanging out with at the after party. We also got to see the reunion of Totally False People, (who also put on the fest) and they were great.

Wow...I am so tired and out of it that this may be coming across as almost sad. Well hear me MEATBALLS, it wasn't sad, it was kickass.

I am going to curl up under my desk at my work and take a nap. I am sure no one will mind.

Get out of me now, Biz

PS. You can see this EXACT same post on www.princessponypartyamazing.blogspot.com

Hello San Francisco Sketchfest

2006-01-27T11:05:00.000-08:00

Very exciting Meatballs!

The ladies are off to San Fran. This will be our first time out to this fest and we are pretty pumped.

If you or your friends are out in the Bay area, send them our way! We are thrilled to be performing with Kasper Hauser, one of the best groups out there! Plus our good pals the Royal We will be there too! YAY!

Hopefully there will be reports from the road...and maybe one of the other ladies will blog on this blog.

sigh.

GO MEAT! GO CRAZY!

xoxo,
The Equalizer

Asshat

2006-01-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

“I don’t see how you can be a partner in peace if you advocate the destruction of a country,” President Bush said in reaction to apparent Hamas victory.

This statement just came out on CNN.

(blink)

It could only be more innaporpriate if he was standing in Baghdad when he said it.

What a duche.

MEAT on Sketchfest TV

2006-01-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Hey yo!

MEAT is on this weeks episode of Sketchfest TV! You can also check out Ten West doing our favorite sketch about eating a sandwich (description doing no justice to the brilliance of this piece) and Superpunk who we finally got to see a whole show of in Chicago which was amazing.

Please check it out as well as the other episodes. They are all awesome and you can finally see stuff from the groups we adore and worship!

http://www.sketchfesttv.com/

xoxo, Biz

Unicorn Magic

2006-01-25T07:15:00.000-08:00

This woman is claiming to tell you "everything you ever wanted to know about Unicorns."

I actually know less about Unicorns now.

http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Corridor/5177/

Make sure you check out the unicorns up for adoption.

xoxo, Biz

Got a problem, need help, odds against you, Call The Equalizer

2006-01-24T07:50:00.001-08:00

Robert McCall, one of the best covert operatives in the business became disenchanted with his work in a CIA-like organization known only as "the Company." Seeking redemption for some of his darker exploits, McCall resigned, and offered his services through newspaper ads to people in trouble, who were beyond the help of official channels, like the police. McCall used his skills in espionage and frequently enlisted the help of former colleagues still in the Company to get the job done. He also continued to maintain contact with his friend and former boss, a man known only as Control. His no-nonsense attitude, compassion, and experience with dealing with a wide variety of situations make him a powerful and useful detective.

"Got a problem, need help, odds against you, Call The Equalizer".

Dear Equalizer,

I need your help. I am 16 and so confused. EVERYBODY HATES ME! Why!? All of my friends have boyfriends but no one will ask me out. Why won’t boys ask me out?
I was at lunch today and I felt left out so I just sat there and acted like I was involved in my math. I didn’t say a word. All I could think about doing was moving. Even though I couldn’t tell anyone I just felt awful. Thinking about all the people who I’ve grown up with and such. Rosh looked over and said “wow, what’s wrong? Something must be wrong cause you’re so quiet.” GOD! Why is it so amazing that I don’t always talk? Whenever I do talk it doesn’t all come out clearly and I end up stuttering and I come across as an airhead. Or I’ll be talking and people won’t understand so they just pretend to listen or everyone will want me to shut up cause its not important. When I am finally quiet all I get is, why aren’t your talking? Something must be wrong! Ahg! I HATE IT!!!

Equalizer, do you think I am pretty? I bet if you went to the dance with me, the other boys would see that I was wantable and then ask me out. You could also kill that Emily Standard, who gets ALL the boys but only because she acts drunk all the time. Why is that appealing? The dance is called Jungle Boogie, and its jungle themed, but you can wear jeans Equalizer. No one will care, cause you are the Equalizer.

Do you like cats Equalizer? Maybe you could come over and have a tea party with me and Louise.

I love you Equalizer.

(xoxo, Biz and Louise)

MEAT Blog: A New Beginning

2006-01-23T09:23:00.000-08:00

Its me! Biz!

Wow! MEAT Blog!

Look at us, doing the internet thing.

So, in the vein of most blogs…this will be filled with meaningless crap…oh wait…HILARIOUS crap. What will my role be in all of this? To seek out awesome links for you to laugh at.

So let’s kick things off with ARM WRESTLING.

http://www.armwrestlingtv.com/tempindex.html

I watched “Over The Top” with Stefan (from Elephant Larry) last night.

It has introduced me to a whole world that I never knew existed. Not just an 80’s fad...arm wrestling is alive and well. ARM WRESTLING! I mean i understand that one might think sketch comedy is a frivilous "hobby" but ARM WRESTLING! I love it. I love that there is this total subculture. Mark my words MEATBALLS, I will attend an Arm Wrestling competition by years end.

Check out the streaming video of kick ass arm wrestling moves set to the song Cat Scratch Fever, by Ted Nugent.

Which actually is going to take me in a different direction for a moment…I had cat scratch fever last year. This is a real “fever.”

My cat, Louise is nuts and randomly walked by and bit/scratched my arm. About 4 hours later, I couldn’t feel anything in my arm and got…tada…a fever. It was very embarrassing going to the doctor.

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Me: Uh….I have cat scratch fever.”

Doctor: “Get out! Get out of my office! I HATE YOU!”

So what have we learned from this?

Over The Top is an awesome movie and that you should always take it “over the top!”

Cats are hilarious, but Cat Scratch Fever is not.

Long Live The MEAT blog

xoxo, Biz